Antwort: Bin NEU hier!
Ich bin auch neu hier.
Ich hab mal einen Teil meiner Geschichte in Englisch verfasst, weil es mir leichter fällt:
How to start? Hmm...People say I should be happy not to be so like many others. Not cutting so much like others. But the emptiness is always there under the surface. When I was young I was happy. I could be a child.
But everything started when we moved. My mom started drinking and she never listened. She hurt me, kicked me and pulled my hair. We hadn't much money. My parents seemed to hate each other more and more every day. She used to throw all I had away. My toys. I knew my parents gave lots of money away. But not for me. They were in debt and it got more and more all over the years. My mom cursed me. Told me I was the devil. It was all my fault. Everything. But there was no one to hold me, to support me, even listening to me.
There are so many stories to tell. For example the money we didn't have. My mom bought me new designer clothes. A skirt and a shirt. She tore it in two. I had nothing to defend myself in class.
I didn't drink or smoke. I always was the good one to my teachers. But I had a wall. People broke through it to my core because I wasn't able to lie. My parents always promised me so much, but they didn't do anything.
Now I drink, cut and feel hopeless. Everything I want and everything I needed, was my parents listening to me.
It's bad if youré 14 and your mom got two sides. She curses you in the day and comes to your bed at night, to tell you that she believes in you. - Now I can't decide for myself. Today. I guess thats why.
A few girls took me and I made the first sexual expieriences. I never talked to my psychatrists about it.
I'm 2 years sick now. And I don't see the difference. Coming forth.
It's an endless dark soup with all the hopelessness and defenselessness in it. And the pain of the world.
You really feel world pain. Thinking of all the bad things in the world.
It's bad with no one there to hold you. Because my parents are sick themselves. Borderline and burn out. Mixed with shizophrenic appeareance.
I don't know how I got my good marks. Really. And bad marks too. Between all this cussing and talking shit behind my back.
I was defenseless. It seemed all the school people hated me for really no reason- oh except this one- being defenseless.
They strangled me almost to death.
Sometimes I think why I'm still alive. Why she didn't do it that day. With two friends looking at her while she kicked me while cutting up my lungs from air. WHY?
There are so many things I can't remember from my childhood. Maybe bad things. Or maybe cursed away by my mom.
When I was six years old my stepbrother and sister came. I never had seen them before. They sat on my fathers lap, calling him daddy. I wasn't the only kid for my family.
It must have shocked me so deeply that I'm afraid of being loved.-Do they really love me?
WHY?
I can't cry. One tear after 2 years. Sometimes they come. It's a theraphy success. If I cry.
It's so bottled up I can hate no one but me. Everything is MY fault.
Always.
It's my fault being good at my job. Being an worcoholic and whatever I did: Not my name on the things I did.
I leave nothing to the world if I would die. Now I am unable tom work, and if I draw for people it's SO hard to end a job.
I want to be loved and supported by many. Maybe thats why I want to be famous.
But on the other hand I'm afraid.
I know I can do better but because of that, my body stops doing what I want.-I can't hold a pencil if I want to succeed and be in an Artbook or fanbook.
And I always have to apologize later. I could´t do it.
I can'T do anything really good and proper.
I am not able to makye mysef happy.
That's why I feel unable to make others happy.
Even if I do everything for the one, or people I love.
I got borderline.
Thanks for reading.
Bitte schreibt mir. *liebe Grüße*
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